The woman of my dreams and a case of "why did I do that?"

I moved back home to Edmonton in the fall of 2012, the new band I was in had decided we were gonna leave Toronto and essentially start fresh (again). After being gone for a few years, being home was quite the novelty. I was fairly shipwrecked from a serious/volatile  relationship I had ended a few months before, and that seemed to put a strange spin on dating for me. We were bouncing back and forth between Edmonton and Vancouver, as we were recording an album in Vancouver. Naturally, being the single guy I was "dating" a few girls in both cities. This seemed to be working out very well for my current relationship and emotional availability.  No one was getting attached (or so I thought) and we were just having fun. 


Now, this is where the story gets interesting/confusing. I started seeing one girl more frequently and as an obvious result, maybe kinda sorta started to actually like her. This surprised me, since there were some obvious red flags and  I'm not sure why i chose to overlook them. We start getting a little closer, yknow like the "smooch greeting" and launching into full blown girlfriend mode right off the bat?  I'm not entirely certain why, but these small things became unsettling to me. Why? No idea. Oh wait that's right, Im terrified of commitment. Or maybe I just actually love being single. Who knows? One day I'll get professional help and get this whole thing figured out. Anyway, this went on for a while, I was definitely having fun but it was almost like watching a car wreck in slow motion, or watching a Katherine Heigl movie, you know exactly how it's gonna end yet you watch the whole thing anyway. If there's one thing I've learned in this life about love and women etc, it's that when you start to pull away, they sense it and essentially try to pull you in closer.


So now what do I do? I like this chick enough that I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I love myself way too much to waste my time. I remember going out for a smoke on the balcony of her condo, and I started debating how bad the aftermath would be if I somehow climbed down to the ground and just drove home and didn't call her again. In hindsight, that probably would've made more sense than what I actually did. However, I remember her making us drunk food at 3am that night in her kitchen in her underwear. Ok fine maybe that quickly and effectively whisked away the thoughts of me scrambling down the fire escape that night...


I knew this was somewhat of a ticking time bomb, at least in my ridiculous brain. Realistically this chick didn't care that much about me and was just having fun hooking up. Or who knows maybe she did. Welcome to my over analytical annoyingly suspicious mind.

Either way it was getting too comfortable and being the fool I am I needed to bail. Best way to accomplish a foolish plan? Let the liquor do the heavy lifting.

I remember having an amazing night though, starting at some dive bar with drinks and our usual talks about life etc, complete with smooching and classic PDA. We hit a few more bars and again, still having a great time. Then it got strange. Ended up at some stupid club-ish type bar (which I obviously hate) and I met "the friends". Imagine meeting a girl's friends (that you are casually dating) and the first thing they say with a huge smile: "Oh we've heard allll about you". Awesome. I have no idea why this affected me so much but again, I was a little dinged up from my last relationship. And maybe tipsy. Or drunk. So I did the only thing that made sense at the time; blurt out everything I was thinking regardless of the outcome (I've obviously done this before...). We go outside for a smoke and while we're out there, she actually starts questioning me. "So, what exactly are we doing here? Where is this going? Don't you want more out of this?" I was shocked (I think) and at the same time so far gone that I just uncontrollably answered with the social tact of a 5 year old. "Nope. This is it. Take it or leave it." Or something to that effect (again, I think).

We leave the bar eventually and head back to her place, with the classic disconnected tension so thick in the air. The cab ride alone felt like it was hours of silence. I was living out a real life version of "Should I Stay Or Should I Go". I end up staying, mainly cuz there's no way I was driving home. I remember laying in her bed smoking a post you-know-what cigarette at 4am coming to the realization: "I'm never gonna see this chick again".


And I haven't since. But the reason I bring this up at all is I still don't understand why I felt the need to be so intentionally blunt and hurtful towards this chick. Don't get me wrong, I am certain I have unintentionally done some terrible things in relationships but this one kinda makes no sense to me.