Wedding on a Monday and my review of the Orlando Embassy Suites Resort (hotel)
Just last week I attended my best friend of 15 year’s wedding in Orlando. On a Monday. Everyone I told I was going to a wedding on a Monday seemed to think this was strange. So, naturally this prompted me to google “are weddings on mondays bad luck?” Well, it turns out they’re not bad luck, and I wasted about 5 minutes I’ll never get back and in turn just wasted your time by convincing you it was worthwhile to find out my google search results.
Moving on. Next up Im going to give you my complete and thorough review of the one and only Embassy Suites in Orlando, more accurately the one right beside Disneyworld. I’ve been to Disneyland years ago, actually I crawled on my hands and knees behind a treeline to sneak in (I was broke in a band on tour and 20 years old so…) and as exciting as it was inside with all the attractions, I think i got more of a rush from sneaking in than I got out of going on amusement park rides with adults dressed like cartoon characters. What I’m trying to say is I couldn’t care less about Disneyworld/Disneyland so no, I didn’t go while staying less than a mile away.
So truth be told my first night in Orlando in the beautiful Buena Vista area was actually spent in a Holiday Inn due to some unforeseen (amateur) circumstances. It seems my travel buddy was using Hotwire/a smart phone for the first time and booked us into the Embassy Suites for the following day, not the actual date that we were landing in the Sunshine State. We discovered this hiccup in the plan whilst checking in to the Suites at around 11 pm thanks to our 12 hour day of flying. Turns out, our sweet resort hotel was completely booked and we were as stranded as ever. Cue our saviour the Holiday Inn to host our exhausted selves for what was left of the evening.
And now, without further adieu;
The Embassy Suites.
I feel I’ve covered the wonderful location in all its glory, however I may have left out the part where this resort is located just east of the I-4, a ridiculously busy and about 9/10 on the noisy scale interstate highway. As well i might add its nestled just a short walk from an outlet mall as well only a half mile trek from the nearest liquor store.
This resort was most definitely the cleanest and well kept resort I’ve ever seen. Even after a night of sitting outside my room on lawn furniture watching the Lion King play on the big screen smoking about 3/4 of a pack of Parliaments and drinking a case of beer with my best friend talking about life, it looked as though none of that happened in the morning. And just to be clear, from what I remember after retiring to my queen sized bed for the evening the outside of our door where the chairs and table were, it looked like an absolute disaster.
Lets start with the poolside bar. Upon our arrival our poolside suites weren’t ready, so what were our options? Well we started off with a quick pump at the classic hotel gym and by quick pump I mean reminisce about the real workouts we have experienced in our lives when not oh so hungover. Then, after getting absolutely jacked in 15 minutes we head to the poolside bar. Then exactly 6 alcoholic drinks and two mediocre burgers later I then proceed to pay a $120 bill. 5/10 on the food and 0/10 on the overpriced drinks.
After only one hour of waiting, our rooms are ready. We head up to the room and settle in, it seems these rooms are extremely well equipped with a TV that plays football on Sunday and a bathroom sink that fits exactly one litre of ice and 10 cans of PBR. As well, I might add, the clothes hangers were NOT attached to the curtain rod, a sure sign that we have truly elevated from a 3 to a 4 star hotel. 9/10 on the rooms.
After our exhilarating mile long walk to a liquor store my best bud/travel buddy and I begin to treat ourselves to the fruits of our labor as night falls. Extremely potent whiskey and cokes consisting of only the finest, also known as Evan Williams Bourbon and Coke Zero (i read somewhere that sugar makes your hangovers worse). We set up camp outside our hotel room door with pool chairs and a small table as we’ve done easily over one hundred times before. About 30 minutes into one of our recurring chats about life, love, and happiness when a ridiculously intoxicated husband and wife stumble upon our party of two. They pass by with nearly undecipherable phrases like “whutteryooguysdooingupheeeeretherzzfreebeerdownthayer.” I am confused at first but then realize they are clutching no less than 6 plastic cups of beer each. I acknowledge them with a quick “hey alright” and assume they will continue on their journey. Instead, they stop, turn, and pull up chairs and through slurred sentences communicate to us that there is in fact free beer at the pool bar. I don’t believe this so I head down to investigate further and discover that they were indeed telling the truth. From 5-7pm all “refreshments” are complimentary. I have found Heaven and they call it the Embassy Suites in Orlando. 0/10 on the free breakfast we slept in on and didn’t make and 10/10 on the hours of 5-7pm.
I saw the sign for guest laundry when I checked in and made a mental note that I’m going to need to wash my dress shirt before this wedding. I wore the same suit and shirt at a Halloween party the week before and it is actually an anomaly how dirty the neck and cuffs of a white dress shirt get. Due to my nature of forgetting my mental notes and falling victim to the warm embrace of liquor, I completely forgot to wash my shirt. So, I proceed to scrub the shirt down in the bathroom sink with hand soap and a face cloth, and let me tell you, it came out like a brand new shirt. 10/10 on the guest laundry.
The only time i actually got into the pool was around 1am, after i convinced some wedding guests and bridesmaids that the party was going all night in suite #255. After a short Uber ride to the wrong hotel (I may have given incorrect directions, or maybe 10-15 bourbon on the rocks were speaking for me) the after party crew stormed into our room and within 5 minutes we were all running to the pool in our underwear like savages. Save for one party goer, my travel buddy, who went into his room and fell asleep face down diagonally across the bed, fully clothed/shoed. 8/10 on the pool, as it was too easy to sneak into after hours.
In closing, I must say that my time spent at the Embassy Suites was a one of a kind experience. The fact that we hot-wired this resort for $50 night means we weren’t expecting much. Although we didn’t get to go fishing in their man made lake, or enjoy their cigar lounge, we most certainly put their cleaning staff through hell. For one of the first times in my life i actually felt bad leaving the room in such mess, and I have trashed a few hotel rooms in my day.
I would recommend the Embassy Suites to anyone who wants to have an epic weekend with no responsibilities and sometimes free drinks and breakfast.
The wedding was a close second. Actually it was amazing haha, one of the best I’ve ever been to. Theres nothing quite like an open bar and a sunset on the water.